By Nevada Reed GUEST COLUMNIST
Opportunities for self-comparison and judgement seem to be lurking around every corner for our kids, from social media influencers posting carefully edited scenes about their best life—or so it appears—to the latest news story about another student setting a new athletic record or getting a perfect ACT score. Our digitally connected society and the impacts of the COVID pandemic have led to different daily mental health pressures, which is reflected in ever-climbing rates of anxiety and depression across all age groups, including striking increases in children, teens and young adults.
Parents are important partners in supporting their child’s mental health. Certainly, the most important building blocks of healthy self-care are consistent sleep, exercise and a nutritious diet with good hydration. However, there are other important habits that can help children and teens to build resilience. As a pediatric neurologist who focuses on neurobehavioral diagnoses, I often provide these five tips to families.
First, compliment kids on their personality traits and behaviors, not just on awarded accomplishments.
Children and teens can’t help but overhear us chatting with friends and family—“Oh, Kate won the essay contest and has straight A’s again” or “Johnny is going to get an athletic scholarship for sure, he just broke another record.” For the kids who are not the constant all-stars, hearing this can be hard. But it can be just as tough for those high achievers, who develop a sense that their accomplishments define their worth.
While we certainly want to praise special achievements, it is equally important to consistently highlight our child’s positive behaviors and personality traits. For example, mention that you saw your daughter pick up another child’s coat when they dropped it and you love that she is always thoughtful with others. Or tell your son that his jokes cheered up his little brother, and you see how he pays attention to others’ feelings and tries to be kind. This helps children understand the worth of their character, not just awards.
Second, label your emotions and model positive mental health approaches.
We all have bad days now and again. It’s healthy for kids to see this. But remember, they are also observing and learning from how we act in response to our emotions. It is helpful for parents to label their emotions and discuss their response. For example, “Gosh I am feeling really stressed out/sad/anxious tonight because I really made a mistake at work and missed a deadline. I talked to my boss and we have a plan to get back on track, but tonight I need to work on feeling a little bit better. Do you want to help me pick some fun music to listen to? Or take a walk with me?” By doing this, you validate that negative emotions are normal and are teaching coping strategies.
Third, encourage age-appropriate independence.
Many of us who are currently parents grew up in an era where we could not be tracked or contacted by our parents in real-time. It is certainly a luxury to be able to feel confident about our children’s safety, but unfortunately, over-dependence can lead to anxiety. However, by giving children some age-appropriate independence, we show them that we trust them and their skills to make good choices, which in turn improves their confidence.
This independence can take many forms. Even young children can be placed in charge of a daily task, like making their own lunch by using some visual guideline suggestions you develop together. Older children can be allowed to go somewhere safe on their own, like to the library after school to select a book. A child’s self-confidence grows when we show our confidence in their self-management.
Fourth, teach gratitude.
Life is about change—it constantly throws us new obstacles. Some of the happiest people are those who can say, “I’ve had some bad things happen today, but there was also some good.” Helping kids learn to actively identify several positive things about each and every day is an important life skill. These positives don’t have to be big—for example, a positive might be that the color of the sky was so blue against the white mountain tops, or that someone told your child they had on a nice shirt, or that what you are cooking for dinner smells delicious. Helping children to appreciate and value small positive moments allows them to learn to deal more effectively with life’s challenges.
And finally, challenge catastrophic thinking.
Sometimes kids make false assumptions that the very worst thing is going to happen. They might say, “My C in math class is going to prevent me from getting into an ivy league and if I don’t go to Harvard I will never get into law school,” or “Kids are saying mean things to me and I’m never going to be able to have a friend.” These false catastrophic conclusions can worsen anxiety and depression.
It can be helpful to have kids examine if these thought statements are “real” or “not real.” For example, you could have your child ask some adults if they ever felt bullied in school. Or ask if they ever got a really disappointing grade and what the outcome was. This will help your child to get a more accurate perspective on challenges.
As your child’s mental health partner, it is also important to recognize when additional care is needed. If anxiety or mood changes cause your child to withdraw from friends and activities, or disrupt their sleep and eating, it is important to seek medical attention. Talk to their primary care provider as a first step and seek out psychological support. Your Navigators from Be Well Big Sky can help as resource guides.
Nevada Reed is a pediatric neurologist who sub-specializes in neurobehavioral diagnoses and neurodevelopmental disabilities. Her husband and son, now 14, moved to Big Sky from Ohio two years ago, and their family includes two 20-something sons in Missoula and a daughter in Washington D.C. Reed enjoys hiking in Big Sky, cheering on her youngest as he learns to drive, volunteering at Big Sky Thrift and seeing patients at Wellness In Action.
