By Linda Arnold EBS CONTRIBUTOR
Gossip is tempting.
We hear things about people all the time. But where do you draw the line
between normal curiosity and being part of the rumor mill?
Most of us have
been the subject of gossip at some point in our lives, and we’ve all felt the
sting of humiliation that goes along with it. On the other hand, we’ve all done
some gossiping of our own, and we may have hurt someone’s feelings as a result.
Most gossip stems
from fear, anger or jealousy. The gossiper wants agreement and validation from
others. The burden, then, falls on the listener. And you always have a choice.
Listen carefully to
how a person speaks about other people to you. This is how they will likely
speak about you to other people.
A lot of gossip takes
place in the workplace. The American Psychological Association has conducted
research around employees venting to coworkers and reports this venom can take on
a life of its own and start to define the work-place culture.
Gossiping is the
coward’s way of expressing anger. To put someone else down in order to make
yourself feel superior is a giant red flag for insecurity. Ultimately, gossip
only offers temporary gratification, which calls for the cycle to repeat in
order for that adrenaline rush to continue.
So, what can be
done? Can one person actually make a difference? With time and repetition, the
answer is yes.
Here are a few tips
to put yourself on a gossip-free diet:
- Watch out for patterns. Don’t put yourself in
risky situations.
- Stop gossip in its tracks. Don’t take the bait. Make
it known you won’t spread gossip.
- Be courageous and stand your ground. Walk away
if you have to. Throw in a comment about the subject that turns the gossip on
its head.
- Take the “No Gossip” pledge. Build on the
popularity of current movements, the “no texting while driving pledge,” for
example, and hold each other accountable.
Your group may be
skeptical at first. After all, we teach people how to treat us. If you’ve
taught those around you that you’ll keep the gossip going, it will take
demonstration after demonstration of the new behavior before you can be
effective.
Gossipers need
supportive listeners and are unlikely to continue if their point of view is
being challenged.
The following
phrases, drawn from employee-assistance programs, could be helpful:
“I don’t think
talking about the problems Sue is having behind her back is going to help her.”
“As Sue’s friends
(coworkers), I think we should come up with better ways to support her instead
of talking about her.”
“I know my feelings
would be hurt if I knew my friends (coworkers) were talking about my personal
problems and spreading things around.”
Remember, when you
take delight in others’ misfortunes, you’re actually setting yourself up for
misfortune. Buddhists would call this karma.
Here are some
rewards you’ll likely feel by not engaging in gossip:
- When you remove yourself from gossipy
situations, the gossipers will eventually go somewhere else.
- You’ll feel much better in time, without that
sense of betrayal and guilt.
- A lot of drama and stress will be eliminated
from your life.
Linda Arnold, M.A., M.B.A., is a syndicated columnist, psychological counselor and founder of a multistate marketing company. Reader comments are welcome at linda@lindaarnold.org or visit lindaarnold.org for more information on her books.
